I Have Never Had an Orgasm. Just . . . Help.

I’m 37-years old, and I have never had an orgasm. Just . . . help.

Melissa, Sedona, AZ

Beautiful Soul, Melissa,

It has to take guts to reach out for help when sex is everywhere in our culture, and yet nowhere. Movies. Pop songs. Commercials. Internet porn. Even bathroom stalls. And yet, good sex education seems as rare as snowflakes in the desert.

Many times, experiencing orgasm is as simple as understanding what orgasm really is.

Orgasm is Much More Than What We’re Led to Believe

Orgasm is far more than a genital sneeze brought on by the hard and fast.

Sheri Winston in her book Woman’s Anatomy of Arousal points out there are a gazillion different kinds of orgasms: laugh-gasms, giggle-gasms. Oh-my-gasms that start small and sneak up on you. Rolling-gasms that begin in one part of your body and move through like thunder. Chakra-gasms that can begin in your heart or your belly or your genitals and shake you from a different dimension. Love-gasms from being enamored beyond description. Pretty much any pleasure a human being can have–not just genital–can be contagious and spread through your body, heart, and soul, reaching varying heights of orgasmic ecstasy.

You’ve probably had a few experiences like that. Our culture hasn’t invited you to pay attention, so I won’t be surprised if you missed them! But, I’ll bet you can think back to a time when you had pleasure so profound, it stopped you in your tracks. Maybe even made you cry. Whether it was in the bedroom or the concert hall or overlooking the Grand Canyon–that’s an orgasmic experience.

Tantra Lies at the Heart of Orgasmic Experience

Tantra is an especially good way to explore your orgasmic potential because its practices lie at the very heart of orgasm:

• Delightful awareness of what you can see, hear, smell, taste, touch, and feel.
• Saying yes to pleasure.
• Being your authentic self. 
• Acknowledging the sacred.
• Kicking self-judgment to the curb.
• Seeing the Divine in yourself and your partner.
• The importance of trance and breathwork and movement and making sound.
• Masculine and feminine energy doing their dance in your body and between your bodies.

Ok. Ok. So maybe you’re thinking, I get it, Dakini Leah, but you’re not hearing me: I want a sexual orgasm. In my yoni.

Hooray! I love that. 

Here’s the caveat: you can’t really make yourself have a genital orgasm. Yoni has a mind of her own, and She won’t be forced into anything. But you can set the stage. The key is to welcome pleasure.

A genital orgasm starts with a mildly pleasurable sensation that you just don’t want to stop. With skilled touch, the sensation builds and feels warm and tingly. As you surrender and ride the flow of that pleasure, your breath becomes deeper. Your body may want to writhe and flow with it. The sensation continues to build until a reaches a peak of tickly tingles, and then *bam*! You feel a spasm that rocks your whole body, and if you’re surrendered, your heart and soul as well.

Melissa, listen to me closely: every human comes pre-packaged with everything needed for orgasmic experience; your only work is to put the tools together and–here’s the fun part–PRACTICE! 

Setting the Stage for Orgasm: the Yes. Yes. Yes.

Let me share with you a simple exercise you can try during your next solo practice. It’s called the Yes. Yes. Yes.

In the movie, When Harry Met Sally, Sally (played by Meg Ryan) tries to prove her point that women can fake orgasm. Right there in the diner in front of God and everyone, she rolls back her head, bangs the table, and shouts, “Yes. Yes! YEEEEEESSSSSSS!”

Turns out that’s great sex advice.

The next time you are pleasuring yourself (and do self-pleasure), experiment with lube to find a pleasing stroke. It’ll usually be around your pearl (your clitoris). Relax into the pleasure. Blow away any negative thoughts. Let your stroke become harder and faster as your pleasure intensifies. Breathe. Close your eyes. Now, silently begin chanting yes. Let your yes get louder and more intense, commensurate with your pleasure. 

Notice how the pleasure builds on your willingness to receive it. Surrender even more deeply and keep chanting yes. Yes! YEEEEESSSSSSS!

Whether your orgasm or not, you’ll still have had a wonderful time! But with practice, I’m betting clitoris will reward you with a wonderful spasm of ecstasy.

Do you have a question about sex, Tantra, or relationships? Send it to Dakini Leah at LivingInTantra@gmail.com