The Healing Gift Only You can Give Him
Making love brings up a man’s emotional pain, and Tantric love-making can heal it. The same is true for women, too, but in this article, I’ll speak specifically to you, marvelous goddess.
Have you ever wondered why, just when things seem to be going so well between you, the sex is good, and you feel close, suddenly he gets…moody? While relationships are complicated, one dynamic that may be going on is your love making has brought up his emotional wounds.
Here’s how you can address the emotional pain of the man you love with the healing gifts only you can give him. Even if your man has been to therapy, or practices regular mindfulness, belongs to a vibrant men’s group, and regularly reads self-help books, you have a healing power he’ll be able to find nowhere else: you can hold the sacred space of unconditional love and sexual energy at the same time. These dynamics work together to create sacred heat for his emotional pain to melt away.
Are you ready to rethink making love? If so, read on.
How Love Making Brings Up His Emotional Pain
First, let’s talk about how love making is at the root of all this. The human psyche is wired for love and pleasure, so making love provides a sacred temple for the worst in your man to wake up and demand to be healed. Childhood wounds are the most common ones to emerge, but the pain can be more recent, like trauma from a break up or job stress. Unfortunately, if he isn’t emotionally savvy, in his freshly uncovered pain he’ll feel like you’re the one being the bitch. You may discover this once charming, kind man is now suddenly irritable and distant. Maybe he’s become more possessive of your time, or teases you too hard, or finds fault in you. This is usually the stage where couples either break up or try therapy to work it out.
I once read a beautiful metaphor of emotional pain as a thorn in the heel. A new relationship takes your mind off the thorn in your heel, and you feel great! Sexual pleasure and feeling loved brings attention to your thorn once again, and everyday life with your partner finds hundreds of ways to brush against the thorn and cause pain. You blame your partner for being so inconsiderate. Of course your partner can learn not to brush the thorn, but wouldn’t it be great if that rotten thorn were gone altogether?
Let me take you through the story of a woman and her man who got rid of the thorn by healing his emotional pain with Tantra
Tauni is a 55-year-old power woman with striking cheekbones and a glowing smile. After retiring from her position as an accountant, she’s experiencing a renaissance with eastern spirituality, and she’s just finished training as a yoga teacher specializing in women over 50. She’s traveled the world attending retreats. She’s recently found a passion for teaching yoga in central America and sometimes can be away for up to three weeks at time. She likes to post pictures about her experience on social media.
Tauni has been dating her paramor, Trent, for about a year, and when they first met, they were enamored with each other. Trent is in his early 60s and has done a lot of work healing from a nasty divorce, an abusive childhood, and the recent death of his aunt, who raised him. They met at a local music festival, when Trent saw her dancing with a group of her lady friends, and worked up the courage to say hello to her. It turned out, they lived only a few miles apart.
Trent for his part had been working very hard readying himself to be in relationship. He took a year hiatus after his divorce just to focus on going to therapy, finishing his master’s thesis, and his “crazy” dream of becoming a certified skydiver. Having accomplished his goals, he felt ready to approach the beautiful goddess dancing at the music festival.
However, his aunt’s cancer and Alzheimer’s disease and her recent death have been confusing for him: he feels like he should be torn up by it, but he feels almost nothing. She was a difficult woman who treated him more like an unwanted guest than a son, even though he was about the same age as his cousin. What he does feel, however, is emotional pain when Tauni goes away on a yoga retreat. “I just hate seeing the pictures she posts,” he explains as the two of them sit with me during their discovery session. “I know she’s having a great time, and I want her to. I just feel so left out. And those buff guys with their arms around her in the picture. You know, in my head I totally trust Tauni wouldn’t run off with any of them, but I can tell when a man is coming on to her…”
I can see Tauni is hurt when Trent says this. Trent notices, too. “I mean I trust you. It’s just that it hurts. You know what I mean?”
Before they decided to explore Tantra, Trent’s therapist suggested he try yoga and consider going with Tauni on retreat. “I’m not a yoga guy,” Trent admits. “I feel silly in yoga pants, and you know, Tauni is just so far ahead of me. I can’t keep up. I feel ridiculous, like a little kid.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t go on retreat, if it hurts you,” Tauni offers. “I can find a gig teaching here in town.”
“No,” Trent asserts. “I don’t want to be that kind of controlling guy.”
I congratulate Trent on that decision. It’s not easy to turn down an offer to make way for the thorn in the heel. But that’s the quick way out. Trent has already been through a lot of therapy and understands this is his thorn to remove, and no amount of avoiding the thorn Tauni’s part is a sustainable solution.
There are two dynamics at work I see for this couple. One is that Tauni is a radiant butterfly. She thrives in the spotlight. She needs the sort of man who will both encourage her to spread her wings and be her safe haven when she’s ready to fly home. The gift of this sort of woman is, once she’s finished adventuring, she’ll bring all that radiant energy back to her man to share with him in the most intimate way she can offer.
The second dynamic is Trent is lacking in self-love for his inner child. He feels jealous and triggered, “like a little kid” when Tauni is shining. In those moments, it is indeed his inner little boy, the one who didn’t get what he needed from his emotionally distant and now deceased aunt. It’s the little boy looking at the yoga photos, who still isn’t getting what he needs. It’s likely this little boy is emerging now in the safe, loving sexual energy Tauni and Trent share.
Tantric healing is perfect for this situation. With some new skills as a goddess healer, Tauni is uniquely equipped to help Trent rescue his hurting inner child.
Spoiler alert: Tauni and Trent practiced this sexual healing ceremony I am about to describe to you, with me as their guide. At each stage of the ceremony, I told them what to do, and then gave them privacy to practice the exercises. Having a skilled Dakini on hand helped them both hold the healing space so Trent felt safe to open wide, go deep, and purge his pain. Not only was Trent able to heal his emotional pain, but now when he looks at those photos of Tauni on yoga retreat, he sees his sparkling goddess, and he feels so proud to have her in his life. Trent is planning to join her on her next yoga retreat and will skydive while Tauni is teaching. The thorn is gone.
How Tantric Healing Works
Tantric energy, also called sacred sexual energy, works by melting off emotional pain with unconditional love, sexual pleasure, and time travel. Yes, you read that right! Tantric energy knows no time or space. It reached back in time to let Trent’s inner child know healing is available, and it reached back in time again when Tauni and Trent went into ceremony together. Although Trent could not change how his emotionally distant aunt hurt him as a child, with Tauni’s sacred sexual energy and unconditional love, Trent changed the timbre of how those memories resonate, giving him profound relief.
Important Things to Know Before You Begin
- It needs to be his idea.
Before you attempt this healing ceremony, your man must first admit he has emotional pain he wants your help to heal. If you suspect he has emotional pain you might say, “I’ve been reading about how a woman can use sexual energy to heal and soothe her man–it’s a special kind of Tantric love making. What do you think about that? Would you like to explore that?” If he says yes, you might show him this article to help you have the conversation.
- Engage a Certified Tantra Professional
Because Tantric energy is so powerful, it’s important to practice with 1) a trained Tantra professional, 2) and in ceremony. A trained professional guides the powerful energy you two will unleash for healing. Ceremony creates a safe space to open wide, go deep, purge, and close again. Here’s your fair warning: attempting this practice without the proper guidance and ceremony could be as emotionally dangerous as cutting opening his chest without surgical training. You run a real risk of not only worsening his emotional pain, but of creating a rift between you that will be challenging, if not impossible, to heal. Even if you have read books on Tantra or been to a Tantra retreat, you are strongly advised not to enter this practice on your own.
If Tantric healing sounds right for you and your man, find a certified Tantra professional to design the ceremony and supervise it for you. This can be in-person (preferably) or online. Tantra is not a regulated healing profession, and your first search results may bring up mostly bedroom enhancement services. Bypass those sites. Ask for references specifically for healing work. Look at the training credentials. Ask about the ceremony. If the Tantrika does not offer some form of the 5-step ceremony outlined below, keep looking.
- It’s best if the pain is defined before going into ceremony.
Riding on the heels of the above conversation is the perfect time for you two to talk about the pain he’s experiencing. Trent knew his pain was from the love he didn’t get from his emotionally distant aunt. He already suspected from therapy his inner little boy needed to have a voice and needed to be loved. If your man can articulate his pain like this, he’ll have an easier time healing it during your ceremony. Your Tantra professional will consult with both of you first to define the pain as much as possible before ceremony.
- Both of you must learn and use witness consciousness.
Witness consciousness is the ability to watch yourself having an emotion without letting that emotion take you over and call the shots. In ceremony, your man will want to invite the painful emotions he feels with the clear intention of observing them, listening to them, feeling them fully, and melting them off. You’ll need to be able to watch him having those emotions without letting them trigger you, frighten you, or intimidate you. Your Tantra professional will be there with techniques to help you.
- Tantra is NOT therapy.
Tantra and therapy work very well together, but they are not the same. In therapy, a skilled guide helps you pick your pain apart. In Tantra, a skilled guide helps you melt the pain away. My clients who get the most out of Tantric healing are usually also seeing a therapist. Two good therapists I recommend are Don Self and Susan Mason.
- Emotions really just want to be seen and heard.
Part of what makes Tantra such powerful healing is its respect for emotions and their needs. Emotions need expression. They need to be witnessed in their entirety. They want to be fully heard. Tantra encourages shouting, crying, sighing, laughing, dancing, funny faces and any other physical expression the emotion wishes to take. Well-respected emotions are a wealth of wisdom about Who We Are, what we really want, and which direction to take. Once witnessed, they tend to move through the body, leaving behind clarity and peace. During your ceremony, you provide potent healing when you create a safe, sexy, loving space for your man’s emotions to move through him while you lovingly observe.
- Healing ceremonies do NOT include in intercourse.
It may seem strange that you’re going to use love-making to heal your man, and yet not have intercourse. In order for your man to gain the full benefit from this healing ceremony, he needs to know this isn’t his time to reciprocate; this is his time to be self-focused and fully receiving. This is an entirely different way to experience sex than either of you have ever experienced. Taking intercourse off the table sends him a clear message you two are using sexual energy for his healing.
The Healing Ceremony
Curious about what a healing ceremony with your Tantra professional might look like? Let me take you through Tauni and Trent’s. This 5-step ceremony is the one I have used successfully for a decade. It’s thousands of years old, and with good reason. It works!
Step 1 – Prepare
Step 1 was to turn Trent’s bedroom into a sacred healing space. Here are the supplies I asked Tauni to gather with me:
- Spa music with no lyrics and no commercials
- Four unscented votive candles matches
- Water to drink
- Bite-sized snacks like cheese and crackers, mints, chocolates, or sliced fruit
- Clean sheets that can get oily
- Massage oil and oil warmer
- Fresh roses
- Objects of spiritual significance for Trent and Tauni
- Sage stick for smudging
- Essential oil diffuser
- Pashminas or shawls for covering and decorating
Tauni and I arrived at Trents’s an hour before the ceremony. We put clean sheets on the bed and tidied up clutter on the bedside tables. We covered the TV with a pashmina. We played the spa music softly in the background and placed water, snacks, flowers and candles on the side tables. Tauni turned up the heat to be sure the room was warm enough and placed her favorite essential oil blend in the diffuser. Trent is particularly proud of his skydiving certification, so Tauni placed a photo of him midair on the side table. Trent has a dog, so we put her on the porch with her bed, food, water and some toys so she would be comfortable and out of the way during ceremony.
I sent Tauni to take a shower and rest while we waited for Trent.
When Trent arrived, we three discussed what the ceremony would look like and what level of participation the two would like from me. Some couples prefer I demonstrate each exercise and then leave the room. Others prefer I remain in the room, quietly holding the space. Others prefer me to be an active participant, as the extra pair of hands. Tauni and Trent preferred the second choice.
Then I gave Trent a tutorial on active receiving Tantric massage, which is different from receiving therapeutic massage. Then it was his turn to shower.
I smudged Tauni with the sage, and she and I did an emotional release ceremony to be sure her energy was completely clear for Trent. Then, she smudged Trent, and the two sat across from one another on the bed, ready to begin.
Step 2 – Creating Sacred Space
Step 2 is a series of mini steps creating the psychological and spiritual opening required to build trust and process pain.
Attune to one another.
I asked Tauni and Trent to place their hands on each other’s hearts and gaze into one another’s eyes to see each other’s souls. When they felt completely present, I led them in an erotic meditation of circulating their love for each other through each other’s heart chakras.
Invite God into your bedroom.
Then I offered an invocation. “I recognize the sacred nature of this work you are doing together, and the presence of the Divine Spirit with you.” Divine Spirit is the term for God that speaks to Trent. I led them through a short meditation to connect to the Divine Spirit.
Set an intention to give and receive only love.
Then I invited them to set their intention. “Is it your intention to give and receive only love? No matter what you encounter with each other tonight, will you receive it in love? All of your actions tonight, will you offer them in love?” Then I invited them to offer one another a bite of food or a mint as the symbol of the intention to give and receive only love.
See perfection in one another.
Healing can only take place when we can only see our partner as perfect, so we create space to settle into each other’s perfection. I said, “While you savor that flavor in your mouth, please savor your own perfection. Your thoughts, feelings, perspectives are all perfect. Your journey is perfect for you. If Divine Spirit wanted to walk the earth as you in the world, well, here you are. A good way to think about perfection is, your car might not always be on the road you want it to be on, but there’s nothing wrong with the car. As we practice, will you see each other as perfect?”
Set the dedication.
Sacred sexual energy is prayer, but neither Tauni nor Trent had used it that way before. A dedication helped them both keep the sacred sexual energy as a prayer rather than reverting back to standard love-making.
I had them gather the four candles and the matches. Then I said, “In Tantric ceremony you’ll raise an incredible amount of sexual energy. Will you dedicate your sacred sexual energy to Trent’s healing? If so, say so to one another, and light your candles as a symbol.” I helped them place the lit candles in the four corners of the room to remind them both they were using sexual energy for healing rather than conventional love-making.
Step 3 – Give him a sexy, healing Tantric massage
I directed Trent to disrobe and lay down on his belly, propping his chest with a pillow to support his neck. Tauni also chose to disrobe. I helped Tauni charge her hands and body with love, and then I showed her the Pass One stroke of traditional Tantric massage.
When she felt the energy of that was complete, about twenty minutes later, I demonstrated the Pass Two stroke, again, letting her gauge Trent’s response for when that touch had reached its completion, about fifteen minutes later. Finally, I demonstrated the Pass Three stroke. Tauni really took her time, and Trent soaked it in, for another 30 minutes.
At this point, Trent was relaxed, in tune, and feeling quite loved. We took a short bathroom and water break, and then resumed, this time with Trent lying face up. Already, the two of them had slipped into the fourth dimensional consciousness, where they were completely present, time had stopped, and they felt fully in love with one another.
I demonstrated Pass Four, and let Tauni take her time with it, approximately another twenty minutes.
Let the Healing Begin
Pass Five is where the deeper work begins. Per their request, I sat on the bed to show Tauni the lingam worship strokes. This is a series of ten strokes designed to worship Trent’s sex center and take him deeper into his trance, to the point of Tantric time travel. I reminded Trent to breathe the pleasure into his whole body, to remember the dedication he made to his healing, that he was loved and safe. Then, I invited him to go back in time to a memory with his aunt while Tauni continued to lovingly worship Trent’s body.
Traveling back in time, Trent grimaced as he recalled being 12-years-old, forced to attend his cousin’s basketball game even though he had an assignment due the next day. He didn’t really want to play sports, but no one had even asked if he wanted to. It wasn’t an option for him. The school gym was loud and smelly, and the bleachers were dirty and uncomfortable. I invited Trent to tell us how he FELT, to fully embrace the emotion and use every adjective he could think of, going all the way to the very bottom of his emotion. He felt left out, like a burden, angry, abandoned, unworthy, angry, indignant, jealous, angry, trapped…on and on. As Trent cried, I encouraged him and praised him, thanking him for honoring us with his True Self. Tauni crawled to the head of the bed and cradled him, offering her breasts to comfort him while he sobbed.
Tauni and I kept eye contact, so I could be sure she was able to hold the space. It’s not always easy to see your man cry!
I gave Trent’s 12-year-old permission to tell his aunt exactly what he was feeling, all of it. Then I invited him to imagine that 12-year-old boy sitting in the middle of him and Tauni now, receiving their love and safety. I encouraged Trent to tell that little boy what he needed to hear. Tauni, too, offered loving words to Trent’s inner child.
When Trent felt his inner child had expressed and heard everything he needed, I showed Tauni the Sixth Pass stroke. As Trent was feeling more integrated and grateful to Tauni, I left the room to give them privacy for the final stroke. While traditionally there is no intercourse in a healing ceremony, Tantra is meant to conform to the practitioner–not the other way around! Tauni and Trent did have intercourse at the end of their ceremony, but after they had completed all the work that needed to be done.
Step 4 – Nurturing
When they were ready for me, they called me back into the bedroom. I tucked them both under the covers for a nurturing time. As Trent’s consciousness was returning to the present, I reviewed all that his inner child shared with us, highlighting the key points he’d want to remember later. Then I gave them fifteen minutes of savasana, for snuggling and grounding.
Step 5 – Closing the Ceremony
I rang the chime before I entered their bedroom for the final time that night, giving them time to put on robes and sit across from one another before I entered. Then I asked Trent, what changes does he notice in his heart now? How is his inner child feeling now? What did he want to take away from his healing ceremony? Then I gave Tauni time to share her impressions and observations.
Once more I acknowledged the sacred nature of their ceremony, that it was dedicated to healing, and that they could do it again whenever they needed.
Then, they blew out the candles, and the ceremony was closed.
I quietly gathered my belongings and let the dog back in the house. The next day, I checked with Trent and Tauni, and both were glowing at how powerful and beautiful the ceremony was. Trent felt cleaned out and freed from the thorn in his heel. He felt much more at peace with his aunt, but the real shift was in feeling far less left out when it came to Tauni’s next yoga retreat. His inner child really likes jumping out of airplanes–not doing yoga–and that’s when he decided to check if there were any skydiving opportunities at Tauni’s next retreat.
Over the next weeks, Trent internalized Tauni’s butterfly nature, her need to to be free and have a safe haven when she was ready to fly home. He came to discover for himself the sheer joy of setting her free to shine, and of feeling needed when she was ready to be home again.
Huge shift for Trent! All of it pivoted on Tauni’s willingness to embrace her healer goddess role and give Trent what no other woman could provide.
Are you Ready to Explore the healing ceremony for your man?
Are you ready, goddess, to provide this space for your man’s emotional pain? If this healing ceremony calls to you, you can learn more about it in a complimentary 30 minute discovery session with me.
Dakini Leah is a certified Tantra Educator with a decade of experience helping couples heal emotional pain through this healing ceremony. In-person in western Colorado or online. Call her now for your complimentary discovery session. 970-242-5094