Let’s pull the covers off one of the most dangerous myths ever whispered between the sheets: “Men want sex more than women.”
Oh darling, this myth is more than just wrong—it’s toxic. It’s a libido-killer, a passion-flattener, and a sneaky little saboteur of intimacy.
Let’s talk about why. And how couples—especially those of us in the second act of life—can rise above it and into the sacred sex we were born to enjoy.
But He Really Does Want it More Often Than She Does
Really? What women often don’t want is the kind of sex they’ve been taught they’re supposed to want. She’s given two options: the porn star who’s ready at the mere site of a stallion, or the demure and pure madonna.
As we age, we’re handed zero blueprints for how our sexuality evolves. Menopause hits, estrogen dips, and culture quietly pats women on the hand and says, “That part of your life is over now.”
And we believe it. We think we’re too old, too dry, too tired, too uninterested.
But the truth?
A woman’s desire doesn’t disappear. It just shapeshifts.
It moves from the genitals to the heart, from friction to depth, from fast and furious to slow and soul-quaking. And when couples understand how a woman’s changing body responds to pleasure, they often discover they want sex just as much as men do—just differently.
And oh, by the way? That sweet, soul-nourishing physical affection? It regulates hormones, balances mood, and actually eases many menopausal symptoms. Sex is not just pleasurable—it’s medicinal. Believing this myth means women can miss out on the medicine sex can offer them.
The Shame For Men
This myth is dangerous because it tempts women to shame men for their desire, and it tempts men to accept that shame.
So many men contact me with heart breaking stories that their wives of 20 years (or more) have decided they no longer want sex, and have told them they shouldn’t want it either. “Dirty old man” and “horny sex fiend,” they’ve been called.
The logic goes: “If I don’t want sex, and he does, he must be a sex-obsessed Neanderthal. And if he loved me, he’d stop wanting it.”
So much pain this myth causes! Especially when men believe it, too.
While women usually feel ready for making love only after their hearts have been opened, men usually experience their open hearts with sex.
But what if…
What if his desire was sacred?
What if a woman could become just as desirous as him—once her heart was open, her body warmed, and the sex was something worth wanting?
This myth misses the erotic truth:
While men often get aroused visually (hello, entire porn industry), women are aroused when their hearts are opened.
And no, showing up naked isn’t enough. (Though it doesn’t hurt.)
It takes presence. Attention. Love. When that happens? A woman’s body becomes a holy altar of fire.
Shame for Women
And now we get to the shame spiral on the other side of the bed.
Even when women do feel desire, they often push it down, clamping their thighs together along with their truth. Why? Because we were raised on a toxic cocktail of Madonna/Whore conditioning:
“Good girls don’t want sex.”
“Only sluts enjoy their bodies.”
“You’ll be used, judged, or abandoned.”
The result? Women get stuck. They either feel ashamed for wanting sex—or ashamed for not wanting it.
Neither honors our erotic sovereignty.
Un-Gendering Libido
Not only does this this myth assumes all men are raring to go 24/7, it connotes if he doesn’t want sex, something must be wrong with him.
But not all men are walking erections.
Some men are exhausted. Some need emotional connection. Some have performance anxiety. Some are deeply sensitive and need spiritual intimacy before physical intimacy.
And when they don’t match the “manly man” mold? They feel emasculated, broken, and alone.
Let’s stop gendering libido.
Because here’s the truth bomb, lovers:
Every single person has a unique arousal blueprint.
Owning your libido is a sacred responsibility. And honoring your partner’s? That’s love.
The Truth About Arousal: Fire and Water
In Tantric lore, masculine arousal is like fire: always smoldering beneath the surface, easily sparked into flame. It’s linear. When he’s turned on, his body usually follows suit—erection, action, completion.
Feminine arousal is like water: cool at first, but warm her up and she’ll simmer, steam, and eventually boil over. It’s non-linear. Her body and emotions may take their sweet time syncing up—and when they do? She’s unstoppable.
Here’s the thing:
Both styles exist in everyone.
You may be more watery or fiery. You may need time. Or touch. Or trust.
The point isn’t to label. It’s to learn your erotic nature and honor it.
How Do You Get Turned On?
Not sure what arousal feels like for you? Try these two practices:
Track Your Turn-On:
The next time you feel a flicker of aliveness—not just sexual, but sensual—pause.
Where is it in your body?
What preceded it?
Can you recreate it?Time Travel Turn-On:
Remember a moment you were wildly aroused. Your first kiss. A sexy dream. That scene in that movie.
Who were you then?
Breathe that memory into your present. Let your body remember herself.
This isn’t nostalgia—it’s neural activation.
Safeguard Each Other’s Desire: The Talking Stick Ritual
Want to keep the flames fanned between you? Try this sweet (and spicy) ritual together.
The Talking Stick Rules
1. Choose a special object—a literal stick, a crystal, a sacred stone, or yes… even a favorite toy.
2. Set a timer for two minutes.
3. The partner holding the stick is the Talker. They speak for the entire two minutes, even if they’re repeating themselves.
4. The other is the Listener. No commentary. Just deep, devoted presence. At the end, they say only: “Thank you.”
5. Switch roles. Same prompt. Same presence.
Prompts for Exploring Arousal Together
When I am aroused, my body feels…
I feel aroused when…
Something you could do to encourage my arousal is…
This practice isn’t just sexy—it’s soul-deep.
It teaches reverence. Curiosity. Consent. And connection.
So, do men really want sex more than women?
No.
What they often have is a culture that supports their desire—and what women often lack is the permission to claim their own.
Let’s burn the myth and steam up the truth.
Your libido is sacred.
Your partner’s is, too.
You don’t have to match—you just have to meet.
And when you do?
Oh, lovers… you’re not just having sex. You’re making magic.
Sex for Hours in Midlife
These are just a few of the questions we explore in my 12-session Sex for Hours coaching series for couples over 50. In this sacred container, we learn how to redefine intimacy, deepen connection, and reclaim pleasure—at any age.
We even cover how to literally make love for hours—without needing to be “hot and ready” all the time.
Curious? You can get started tonight with my free booklet I created just for you.
Making love doesn’t have to be about performance. It doesn’t have to be about youth, drive, cultural standards, or the unconscious messaging of your past.
It is about you—your beloved, your bodies, your truth. Live in Tantra. Be LIT.
I’m Dakini Leah. I help heart-centered people use their sacred sexual energy for healing, intimacy, and overcoming anxiety and depression so they can love and be loved more deeply than they could ever imagine.
Contact me to see if you qualify for a complimentary discovery session.
970-242-5094
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