I Really Like this Woman. How do I keep her?

Dear Dakini Leah,
I’m new to your site, and don’t even really know what Tantra is. I’m only 20 years old, but I really love my girlfriend. I mean, like, she’s the one for me. Other girls I’ve dated have broken my heart, and I don’t want that to happen this time. How do I keep this girl? She’s 20, too, if that makes a difference.

Noah, Grand Junction

Hi, Noah,

I can see you are committed to learning your part in making this relationship rich and sweet for you both. Every woman has thirteen basic needs, and when you know these secrets, she’ll be much more likely to feel fulfilled in your relationship.

 I’m sorry you’ve had your heart broken–that is always rough–and I can’t promise what I’m about to tell you will keep your heart from getting broken again. But, I can tell you there are thirteen basic needs every woman has, and when you know these secrets, she’s going to be A LOT more invested in your relationship, because she’ll feel more fulfilled. Eleven of these needs come from Katherine Woodword Thomas’ book, Calling in the One. The last two are my contributions from working with women for ten years.

Keep in mind, this is only the beginning. Each woman will have her own set of individual needs in addition to these basic ones, and a woman’s needs change as your relationship deepens and she grows as a person. It’s a good idea to get into the habit NOW of asking and observing what she needs, being flexible when her needs change. 

You’ll also need to be aware of your own needs, how to ask for them, of course.

There’s so much that goes into a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Being aware of her needs is a good first step. Here they are.

1. To be heard. This is probably the number one need women have, to be heard and understood. Notice I didn’t say agreed with. While there are many good listening skills out there, if you can practice mirroring, that is, repeating back to her in your own words what she just said, you’ll go a long way in letting her know you hear her, and you get her.
2. Tended to. Remember those old-fashioned gentleman skills of opening doors and pulling out chairs, and telling your server her order? They are controversial these days, and it’s too bad. If she balks, you can say, “It’s important to me to treat you with the respect you deserve.”
3. Noticed. Women put a lot of effort into looking nice, into their careers, into making their nests into homes and so many things. Make the effort to notice and say something.
4. Wanted. Prioritize spending time with her. Give her your full attention when you’re together. Look at her with desire in your eyes, (but not in a creepy way). Feeling wanted is wood on a woman’s fire.
5. Adored. When your adoration comes from your heart, it will appear in your actions. Inside jokes. Meaningful little gifts. A little poem in your own handwriting, or a knowing smile.
6. Treasured. When you treasure a woman, you take her desires seriously. You hold her close to you, stroke her gently, and are respectful and attentive.
7. Her feelings cared about. This one is huge. Ask her how she feels about things, and really listen. Be willing to share your feelings, too. Sharing feelings is one of the most effective ways to develop intimacy.
8. Her wishes anticipated and fulfilled. You know how she always has an ice tea with dinner? Pour it for her without needing to be asked. Watch what happens.
9. For you to keep your word. Mean what you say. If you tell her you don’t like liquorice and then suddenly love it because she does, or if you say you’ll meet her later and don’t show because your buddies came over and you lost track of time, she won’t be able to trust you. Once that trust is lost, you’ll have a struggle to get it back because she NEEDS you to keep your word.
10. To be able to count on her man. Whether she needs a shoulder to cry on, a ride to the airport, or someone to hold her hand during a root canal, she needs you to be the man she can rely on.
11. To feel secure. Women have a primal need to know everything is taken care of and all right, that you’re not going anywhere, that you are there for her. 
12. To be made love to, body, mind, heart, and soul. Obviously, this is one for when you both are committed to the relationship. Good love making brings a woman’s soul to the surface to be healed, revealed, and expanded. These are skills you must learn; don’t assume you “know.”
13. To be accepted just as she is. If you can accept her wild craziness and love her through it, I can almost guarantee a lifelong connection (whether your relationship survives or not).

One more thing: I commend you for wanting to learn how to keep a relationship healthy and thriving! Keep learning everything you can. Relationships are alive and always changing. She’s a fortunate woman to have you.

Dakini Leah

Do you have a question about sex, Tantra, or relationships? Send it to Dakini Leah at LivingInTantra@gmail.com